Arbiter Elegantiarum Turns Two!

Terrible two-year old.

Arbiter Elegantiarum's two year anniversary has come and gone, and like the deadbeat blog pappy that I am, I only noticed over half a month later.  This year saw many great successes in the blog; partiularly the Carly Rae Jepsen piece, which has just under 4,000 views as of this writing.  To provide context, this represents a 100% increase over normal readership.  My thanks to the conspiracy theory community for actively clicking on anything containing the word "Illuminati" or derivatives thereof. 

Michael Bloomberg Is Actually Your Crazy Girlfriend

 Artist's rendering of what Michael Bloomberg might look like as your crazy girlfriend.

Michael Bloomberg's general behavior as mayor of New York City has approximated that of a crazy girlfriend.  It all started when you tried to break up with her for spying on you.  You tried to explain that it just wasn't working out, and that two terms was a really good run, but that was just going to have to be it.  She insisted you stay together because of the bad economy, and you reluctantly agreed, thinking that it would be a bad time to go it alone.

Big mistake.

On Foundlings and Changelings

The Foundling by Patricia Piccinini

The "baby box" has taken Europe by storm faster than the no!no!™ could have ever hoped to do.  As The Old Continent ambles down the road to serfdom, what better tool to accouter itself with than the baby box, or Babywiege?  The baby box, as pictured below, is a window-mounted air conditioning unit into which unwanted babies can be slipped for safe keeping.

Congress Heeds the Cry of the People: No More Seersucker Thursday

 Senators playing nice-a nice-a.

This year, the Senate has decided to discontinue Seersucker Thursday, citing political impropriety.  The ever-watchful populace sighed collectively in relief as they saw the profligacy of Washington melt away before their very eyes.  Seersucker Thursday, originally started in 1996 by former Mississippi Senator Trent Lott, was scheduled for the first Thursday of every summer.  The Senators would arrive to work in seersucker suits, take pictures, and do whatever it is exactly they are paid so generously to do.

Playing for Keeps: A Modest Proposal

Today marks the beginning of the EUFA European [Soccer] Championship Semifinals.  The eight advancing teams will now square off over the next four days for their shot at the Henri Delaunay Cup.  The New York Times is reporting on rumors that Arbiter Elegantiarum has officially endorsed the Italian National Team.  While we can neither confirm nor deny this, we are doing our best to maintain neutrality in our reporting on the Euro Championship.

This year's semifinal matches are as follows:

Ten Reasons Not to Live in New York City

One might be inclined to believe that in every small town across America, the minarets start blaring "New York, New York" at 5:00 AM, and in response the good people position their prayer rugs due Northeast.  While I do love this city, and I really believe it is the greatest in the world, I'm not convinced it is without its faults.  On a daily basis, I find myself simultaneously hating and loving New York; call me a James Joyce.  Below, I have assembled for you, my faithful reader(s) a "top ten" list of reasons not to live in New York City:

8-Minute Personal Ad Surfaces on YouTube: Single White Men Seeking Dominatrices

Hey Yo Woman,

I, am sorry.

I pledge to honor all women (wymyn?) everywhere, by accepting my role in atrocities and cruelties committed long before my birth.  I hold myself responsible for all actions that are not my own.  I recognize, that just as it is not in any way absurd for me to personally take credit for the inventions of logic, space travel, the English language, and peanut butter; so too, it is fully rational for me to apologize for every wrong perpetrated by any single male, because, hey, I'm one too.  I promise to speak in the creepiest way imaginable about lovemaking ("mutual body worship"), and your body parts ("sacred parfumeur").  I pledge to superficially take a stand against things that are obviously wrong, so that you know I'm serious about the rest of the stuff I just said.  Together, we can make miracles.  Miracles.  Miracles.  Miracles.

Happy Mother's Day

La Mujer Barbuda by José de Ribera, 1631.

Arbiter Elegantiarum: 1

Time Magazine: 0

Bread + Circus 4Ever

Berlusconi and Kirchner are parts of the same whole: Berluskirchner.

Silvio Berlusconi, former Prime Minister of Italy, and Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, incumbent President of Argentina, are both making news lately, but not for any of the reasons I want them to be.

The Misadventures of Christian Louboutin: Luxury's Stolen Sole

 Christian Louboutin, A.K.A. Ben Bernankgay.

Last year, Christian Louboutin, lady-shoemaker to everyone willing to pay 600 dollars and up for a pair of high heels, decided to sue upscale fashion label Yves Saint Laurent (YSL) for producing shoes that allegedly infringed upon his "trademark" on the color red.  In his complaint, Louboutin states that he "is the first fashion designer to develop the idea of having red soles on women's shoes." (Emphases mine).  The ratio of words qualifying his accomplishment to those actually stating it indicate that what he has created isn't all that original, but nonetheless his shoes are most easily identified by their signature red outsoles, also known as the Red Sole Mark, as seen below:

Carly Rae Jepsen, Illuminata

Carly Rae Jepsen showing off her Illuminati tatt.

Canadian songstress Carly Rae Jepsen, whose single I did NOT purchase less than 36 hours after first hearing it, is a high-ranking member of the Illuminati.  Her hit single "Call Me Maybe," while seemingly about innocent flirtation, actually chronicles her induction into the Illuminati by way of selling her soul to Lucifer.

Let's take a look at the lyrics stanza by stanza:

The Death of: Taste - Rebarbarization and The Rise of Moscato

 Destruction from The Course of the Empire by Thomas Cole, 1836.

Welcome to my second installment of "The Death of" Series!  Today I intend to prove that taste is dead.  I was prompted to do so after reading the following passage from Albert Jay Nock's 1942 Memoirs of a Superfluous Man :

"Whether by some means or another, I was somehow prepared to see, as when I was still quite young I did see, that in our society the purview of legal, religious and ethical sanctions were monstrously over-extended.  They had usurped control over an area of conduct much larger than right reason would assign them.  On the other hand, I saw that the area of conduct properly answerable to the sanctions of taste and manners was correspondingly attenuated."

I very much agreed with this, and was struck by the thought that, if in his time he felt taste was undernourished, then surely by our present time it must have succumb to starvation.  I will, in the usual fashion, further this idea by presenting actual cultural episodes, and providing brief analyses to show that such episodes are incongruous with a world in which taste could exist.

Warm Weather Wines

Al Roker is a vision of estival joy.

 

Here in New York, we've been gifted an exceptionally beautiful Spring.  America's most sartorially literate weatherman is predicting sunny temperatures in the high 60s and 70s for this weekend and the weather shows no signs of changing.  Hopes are high for a long and pleasant season, fair-weather revolutionaries notwithstanding.  When temperatures are this mild for this long, my thoughts invariably turn towards leisurely afternoons spent in the company of good people and good wine.  Below is a list of ten of my favorite wines, in no particular order, to serve with a slight chill and enjoy outdoors.  My apologies in advance for all the bullshit wine jargon I'm about to subject you to.

Name:     Croteaux "Jolie"
Style:       Rosé
Varietal:  Cabernet Franc
Region:   North Fork of Long Island, New York, USA
Vintage:  2011
Price:      $25

This is currently my favorite rosé on the market; it has a complexity of fruit that is quite rare for a rosé, but where a tannic jolt on the finish might be expected from such fruit, there is instead crisp minerality.  Really unique and interesting.  I have not seen this in stores, but a trip out to Croteaux's tasting barn and beautiful garden on the North Fork is most certainly worthwhile.  My understanding from the owner is that there are already less than 100 cases available, so jump on it while you still can.
_____________________________________________________________

The Return of the Castrato: Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better

Andy-Sandberg-looking Italian actor portraying the title castrato of 1994 film, Farinelli.

This past season at the Met, I brought my very patient girlfriend to enjoy a Baroque opera pasticcio featuring the music of Handel, Vivaldi and others titled The Enchanted Island.  The most exciting part about this - for me, at least - was the return to the Metropolitan Opera stage of countertenors, or, gentlemen who sing like ladies.

 South Carolinian countertenor David Daniels as Prospero in The Enchanted Island.

The Death of: Dignity

This man is the most obvious choice for the personification of dignity.

Welcome to "The Death of" Series here at Arbiter Elegantiarum!  In this series, we - and by we, I mean I - intend to prove that the concept in question simply cannot exist in a time during which the accompanying stories could occur.

Today I have learned that the President of the United States has agreed to appear in a potential film sequel to the HBO series Entourage.  I feel a more apt selection would have been Il Cavaliere, (of the "bunga bunga" fame) but alas, these decisions are not mine to make.  There is, nonetheless, something disappointing about witnessing the pursuit of celebrity over that of respectability by a sitting president.  I would open the umbrella of  "pursuit of celebrity" to include appearing in a bizarre annual segment named after you in which you explain your NCAA picks; selling campaign tchotchkes created by twenty-three different fashion designers; and, keeping a wish list of "surrogates" for the upcoming election that reads more like an Oscar party guest list.  It would be unfair of me not to consider, however, the role that the American palate's turn towards such cloying tastes has played in these decisions.

A Movement Contraceived: Masculism

Apollo Attended by the Nymphs of Thetis - François Girardon

The news media - and everyone else, for that matter - are aflutter with news of conservative treachery.  The dialogue is presented thus:  The Patriarchy, in conjunction with The Catholic Church, are trying to send American women back to the stone age by denying their fundamental right to "the pill."  A progressive female is brought into the news studio to articulate her position on the issue, as the male host dutifully nods in agreement.  The "conservative" perspective is dug up with footage of the fat man engaging in name-calling or the man in the vest proclaiming his unfaltering belief in theocracy; both men are presented as co-Emperors of conservative thought.  America is then asked to believe in this as an objective presentation of the argument, and worse, is asked to believe that this issue is somehow more in need of attention than others facing the country.

A New School of Poetry

The below is a free verse poem with which I set into motion the most artful vanguard to ever grace the medium of poetry.

The Wild White Cenote

Happy Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week!!!

1938 Burberry Advertisement.

The above photograph was taken at the first-ever Mercedes Benz Fashion Week in 1938. The event began far more modestly in Strassberg, and only lasted a single day; it was known as
"Mercedes-Benz Modebewusstgassespaziergängerintag." The advertisement was commissioned by then-Prime Minister of Great Britain Neville Chamberlain as a goodwill gesture after the signing of the Munich Agreement, and was featured in Time Magazine.