Today marks the beginning of the EUFA European [Soccer] Championship Semifinals. The eight advancing teams will now square off over the next four days for their shot at the Henri Delaunay Cup. The New York Times is reporting on rumors that Arbiter Elegantiarum has officially endorsed the Italian National Team. While we can neither confirm nor deny this, we are doing our best to maintain neutrality in our reporting on the Euro Championship.
This year's semifinal matches are as follows:
Czech Republic vs. Portugal - Thursday, June 21 - 2:45 PM (EDT)
Germany vs. Greece - Friday, June 22 - 2:45 PM (EDT)
Spain vs. France - Saturday, June 23 - 3:45 PM (EDT)
England vs. Italy - Sunday, June 24 - 3:45 PM (EDT)
I propose that, in light of the Euro crisis and other historical factors, this year's matches should be made a touch more high-stakes. Here are my proposals:
Czech Republic vs. Portugal:
This is obviously the least politically charged of the face-offs, so the stipulations will be exercises in absurdity likely resulting in death.
Should the Czech Republic win, Cristiano Ronaldo is crucified à la St. Peter, and Prague becomes the Seat of the European Union.
Should Portugal win, the Czech Republic must change its name back to the Kingdom of Bohemia and declare war on the United States for control over the hamlet of Bohemia, Long Island.
Germany vs. Greece:
This one is for all the baklavas.
Should Germany win, Greece is expelled from the European Union, gets no bailout, and, to sweeten the deal, everyone has to stop making Nazi jokes every time Germany acts in its own best interest.
Should Greece win, Germany is on the hook for Greek profligacy-- in other words, everything stays the same, EXCEPT, Yanni is immediately installed as Chancellor of Germany.
Spain vs. France:
Should Spain win, France's treasury is transferred to Spain, thus saving them from financial ruin, and the Cultural Ministry of France has to issue a declaration conceding that Cava is better than Champagne.
Should France win, they gain Spain's Basque and Catalan territories and get to confer posthumous citizenship on Pablo Picasso and Salvador Dalí.
England vs. Italy:
Should England win, all of the Neopolitan tailors will have to relocate their shops to Saville Row, and the Queen adds the Royal Palace of Caserta to her list of properties. The existence of Petrarch is to be stricken from history, thus allowing Shakespeare to claim invention over the sonnet.
Should Italy win, all English historians must retract any unflattering histories of Italy (which would be all of them) and must start trading on the Lira. The Queen is taken hostage and exiled to Sardinia where she must live among Berlusconi's concubines, and defend her life in daily pattada fights against territorial mountain shepherds.
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