Ten Reasons Not to Live in New York City

One might be inclined to believe that in every small town across America, the minarets start blaring "New York, New York" at 5:00 AM, and in response the good people position their prayer rugs due Northeast.  While I do love this city, and I really believe it is the greatest in the world, I'm not convinced it is without its faults.  On a daily basis, I find myself simultaneously hating and loving New York; call me a James Joyce.  Below, I have assembled for you, my faithful reader(s) a "top ten" list of reasons not to live in New York City:

10.  Civic Fame!:

In 1914, New York City completed construction on the Manhattan Municipal Building, but one year prior, they topped its tower with this twenty-foot gilded statue called "Civic Fame."  Designed by Adolph A. Weinman, this statue was commissioned by the City to celebrate the "union" of the five boroughs.  While this may seem innocuous on its face, one realizes upon further examination that New York City actually invented a fake god of Classical stature for the sole purpose of self-celebration.  This speaks volumes.

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9.  The Ever-Present Aroma of Hot Piss:

Thanks to NYC becoming such a dog-friendly and bum-friendly city in recent years, the penetrating smell of urine haunts all corners of the city during the summer months.  Studies indicate that this is the surest way to make people pay 2000 dollars a month for a 10x10 living space that does not smell like pee.

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8.  The Inflatable Rats with a Festering Pubic Infection:

Advice to unions:  This symbol is too abstract to garner sympathy from any rational passersby.  Please, spare everyone your bizarre public displays of vocational dissatisfaction and get back to work.

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7.  Having to Pretend to Enjoy New York Magazine's Approval Matrix:

Lowbrow.  Despicable.

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6.  "Only in New York":

I can do no better to explain this than The Onion did in its classic 2010 piece on everyone in New York suddenly picking up and leaving:

"In addition, 3 million New Yorkers reportedly left the city because they realized the phrase 'Only in New York' is actually just a defense mechanism used to convince themselves that seeing a naked man take a shit on a park bench is somehow endearing, or part of some shared cultural experience.

"'I was sitting on my stoop, drinking coffee, and out of nowhere this crazy-looking woman just starts screaming, 'I am inside all of you,' over and over,' Bronx resident Sarah Perez, 37, said. 'Then, we both had this moment where we looked at each other and realized, okay, we have to get out of here.'"

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5.  The Ruinous Legacy of Sex and the City:

While this series ended quite some time ago, the damage it has wrought still persists today.  This show has effectively turned SoHo into a Disney Land for sex-deprived, cupcake-scarfing women.  It has also deceived many into believing that shops and products featured on that show are, despite six seasons and two feature films, "insider info."

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4.  Garbage Mountains:

These can be found pretty much everywhere in New York.  During the winter they become every parent's worst nightmare the moment their child starts to climb one covered in snow; and, during the summer, they become everyone's worst nightmare when their distinct smell begins to mix with that of the hot urine (number 9) to create a stifling odor the likes of which could - and does - drive people to crime.  Some of you may remember 2010 when trash collection stopped in Naples, and the event made international news.  The images shown by the press were not dissimilar to the above, which could have been taken any given day in NYC.  It bears repeating that this is Naples we're talking about here.

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3.  The Parades:

Reveler at the 2012 NYC "Dance Parade."

A riddle:  If a parade occurs, and nobody belongs to the group for which it was organized, did it ever happen at all? 

The answer of course is yes, and it fucked up any chance you had of getting to where you needed to be a half hour ago.  


In June alone, we have:

Israel Parade
Philippine Independence Day Parade
Queens Pride Parade
Brooklyn Pride Parade
Hare Krishna Parade
Puerto Rican Day Parade
LGBT Day Parade (F/K/A Gay Pride Parade)
Children's Evangelical Parade
Bronx Week Parade
Mermaid Parade

Consider that there are 9 weekend days in June, and 10 parades.  Assuming a normal distribution, we can conclude that 111% of weekend days in June will have a parade.

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2.  Every Server in New York Is Smarter Than You Are:

This is especially terrible.  Whether you find yourself at a Starbucks or a 4-star eatery, rest assured that your server is a genius who just happens to be down on his luck, or pursuing something far more noble than your corporate job, sellout.  

QUINN:  Do you need more time to think about your order?

YOU:  Yes, thank you.

QUINN:  Really? Okay.

YOU: Yes, Quinn, really.  This isn't the SAT-- asking for more time does not mean I have to go sit in the remedial testing closet.  It means the lighting in your tres chichi restaurant is too dim for me to read your foreign-language menu without using my cellphone as a flashlight.  Also, fuck you.

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1. The Symbiotic Relationship between Tourists and New Yorkers:

TOURIST:  EHELLO SIRE, YOU HEFF TELLINK ME WHERE IS THIS ROCKETFELLA CENTRAL STATION???

KID WHO JUST MOVED HERE FROM INDIANA AND CAN FINALLY WEAR A FEDORA WITHOUT FEELING RIDICULOUS: OH YA, totally. Okay, so, you're gonna go two blocks west, and then catch the B or the D - the orange ones? - and get off at the Rockefeller Center stop, and it's like right there when you get out!

TOURIST: TENKIU SÃO MUCH, SIRE. I APPRECIATE YOOR KNOWINGS.

FEDORA: Yeah, definitely!  I've lived here for kind of a while, so, I pretty much know where things are... Here's my cell phone number in case you need to know where more stuff is.  Enjoy New York, and on behalf of everyone, welcome!

FEDORA [ASIDE]: I'm SO New York right now... ::FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP!::