Michael Bloomberg Is Actually Your Crazy Girlfriend

 Artist's rendering of what Michael Bloomberg might look like as your crazy girlfriend.

Michael Bloomberg's general behavior as mayor of New York City has approximated that of a crazy girlfriend.  It all started when you tried to break up with her for spying on you.  You tried to explain that it just wasn't working out, and that two terms was a really good run, but that was just going to have to be it.  She insisted you stay together because of the bad economy, and you reluctantly agreed, thinking that it would be a bad time to go it alone.

Big mistake.

The next day, you get home from work to find that she threw away all the food in the refrigerator, leaving behind only bottled water and steamed vegetables.  Confused and hungry, you open up the drawer where you keep all the takeout menus,  but can't read any of them because she has arbitrarily scribbled giant letter grades A through C on all of the covers.  The menu items are similarly illegible, as calorie counts have been scrawled over all them.  Thinking she may have decided to go on another of her Spartan diets, you go to your computer and just order on Seamless instead.  While you wait for your food, you sign onto Facebook to see if perhaps she sent you some sort of explanatory message.  She did not, but she did leave twenty-seven posts on your Wall about the various painful ways in which unhealthy people die.  She has also tagged you in several color-enhanced images of human viscera.

You begin to fear for your safety, so you engage the sliding lock on the door and decide to give her a call.  "Boyfrieeend!!" she shouts gratingly into the phone.  "Hi.  Did you write all over our takeout menus and throw away all the food?" you ask.  "Sillyyy, we're going on a dieet!!" she assertively whines.  "What? We? I don't want to go on a diet; I'm fine.  Also,  please untag me from all those terrifying pictures."  There is a brief silence, after which she whispers, "I'll never let you die," and softly places the phone on the receiver.


When you open your email account, you see that her chubby friend Brenda has sent you an unsolicited email proffering health advice, and telling you to listen to your girlfriend about going on that diet.

After you finish eating your takeout, your girlfried sends a text asking you to join her at a happy hour with some friends.  Everyone is having a nice time, and you start to think maybe she's not that bad.  Suddenly, she sees what looks like a deeply personal argument between a couple she does not know.  Not being able to contain her crazy, she begins eavesdropping on the conversation.  In a moment of excitement, she starts shouting across the bar instructing the woman to withold sex until she gets her demands in full; she doubles down and asserts that this is the only way he'll ever learn.  You cringe and quietly look to the ground.