Joe Lhota Apparently Running for Mayor of New York City

Truth.  Justice.  Lasagna.

     Joe Lhota is running for Mayor of New York City, though it seems he does not care much for campaigning.  The latest polls show Lhota down by an insuperable margin of nearly 40 points.  There is less than one week left until the election, and since Joe Lhota only has one ad, I have taken it upon myself to establish a Political Action Committee called "Getta Lhota This."  I am releasing the following campaign ads in expectation of riding Lhota into Gracie Mansion.

Jeans: A Polemic

 Larry King Is a Walking Public Service Ad for the Pitfalls of Denim.

     "There are only two actions I cannot tolerate.  The first is denim.  The other is murder.  If denim is not wrong, nothing is wrong."
- Sebastian Horsley

     I do not wear denim.  I do not wear jeans.  This is offensive to many of the people I know.  When asked when I will start wearing jeans, my facial expression generally provides the answer:  I will not.  Like vegetarians, I am then asked to justify my decision to abstain from jeans.  I don't really have an answer beyond "I don't like them."  This answer is rarely sufficient as it generally prompts a denim-themed homily.   To avoid such sermons, my answers have become increasingly creative.  For example, when I see the inquirer is wearing "selvedge denim" or "raw denim" with the cuffs rolled up, I will generally make something up about how the indigo dye is made from otters' blood, or how entire rainforests have to be torched to make room for industrial otter blood farms.  Here, then, once and for all, I present my full answer to why I do not wear jeans. 

Rest in Peacock

Mrs. Peacock (Eileen Brennan) being "allayed" of her anxieties by Mr. Green (Michael McKean) in the 1985 comedy "Clue."

Eileen Brennan, who played Mrs. Peacock in the movie "Clue" has died at the age of 80.

I don't have much to say, other than to encourage everyone to watch the movie "Clue" and see how hilarious her character is, and for that matter how great the rest of the characters are, too.

Also, this is totally disconnected and fairly mean, but, Colleen Camp - who played Yvette the Maid - ferociously proves the ephemeral nature of beauty.

I Really Didn't Want to Write About George Zimmerman

Apologies for writing two "serious" posts in a row here - I promise I'll write about how I believe Yoko Ono was sent to Earth to rob humanity of all sexual desire or something soon - but I guess it's been a contentious summer.

Anyway, in what appears to be an attempt to push the envelope with brave, heterodox analysis, Time Magazine published an article asserting that the silver lining in the ostensible cloud of George Zimmerman's acquittal is the increasing number of white people recognizing their privilege.  As a graduate of a "highly-selective" undergraduate institution, I am intimately acquainted with the concept of  white devil privilege.  I enjoyed dozens of lectures and training sessions on the subject, and two of the four convocation speakers during my time in undergraduate based their entire speeches on it.  I would contend however that - far from privilege - it was Zimmerman's very "whiteness" that led to the unreasoningly hostile response from those whose appeals for "justice" make Veruca Salt look measured.

Y'all Got A License for That Thar' Marriage?

Lieutenant Arcot Ramathron wants to know.  Right meow.

           Hi there!  I return to my blog after a nearly 10-month absence to shit on everyone's misleading-headline-fueled parade.

          Yesterday, the U.S. Supreme Court issued dual opinions dealing with how the federal government regulates marriage.  If you are among the majority of Americans who get their news from social media and/or the major networks, you probably could not be blamed for thinking the Court pronounced gay marriage a national virtue and injunctively ordered Congress to declare war on the Vatican.  Naturally, the text of both opinions is far more nuanced than that.  Here, read:

Arbiter Elegantiarum Turns Two!

Terrible two-year old.

Arbiter Elegantiarum's two year anniversary has come and gone, and like the deadbeat blog pappy that I am, I only noticed over half a month later.  This year saw many great successes in the blog; partiularly the Carly Rae Jepsen piece, which has just under 4,000 views as of this writing.  To provide context, this represents a 100% increase over normal readership.  My thanks to the conspiracy theory community for actively clicking on anything containing the word "Illuminati" or derivatives thereof. 

Michael Bloomberg Is Actually Your Crazy Girlfriend

 Artist's rendering of what Michael Bloomberg might look like as your crazy girlfriend.

Michael Bloomberg's general behavior as mayor of New York City has approximated that of a crazy girlfriend.  It all started when you tried to break up with her for spying on you.  You tried to explain that it just wasn't working out, and that two terms was a really good run, but that was just going to have to be it.  She insisted you stay together because of the bad economy, and you reluctantly agreed, thinking that it would be a bad time to go it alone.

Big mistake.

On Foundlings and Changelings

The Foundling by Patricia Piccinini

The "baby box" has taken Europe by storm faster than the no!no!™ could have ever hoped to do.  As The Old Continent ambles down the road to serfdom, what better tool to accouter itself with than the baby box, or Babywiege?  The baby box, as pictured below, is a window-mounted air conditioning unit into which unwanted babies can be slipped for safe keeping.

Congress Heeds the Cry of the People: No More Seersucker Thursday

 Senators playing nice-a nice-a.

This year, the Senate has decided to discontinue Seersucker Thursday, citing political impropriety.  The ever-watchful populace sighed collectively in relief as they saw the profligacy of Washington melt away before their very eyes.  Seersucker Thursday, originally started in 1996 by former Mississippi Senator Trent Lott, was scheduled for the first Thursday of every summer.  The Senators would arrive to work in seersucker suits, take pictures, and do whatever it is exactly they are paid so generously to do.

Playing for Keeps: A Modest Proposal

Today marks the beginning of the EUFA European [Soccer] Championship Semifinals.  The eight advancing teams will now square off over the next four days for their shot at the Henri Delaunay Cup.  The New York Times is reporting on rumors that Arbiter Elegantiarum has officially endorsed the Italian National Team.  While we can neither confirm nor deny this, we are doing our best to maintain neutrality in our reporting on the Euro Championship.

This year's semifinal matches are as follows:

Ten Reasons Not to Live in New York City

One might be inclined to believe that in every small town across America, the minarets start blaring "New York, New York" at 5:00 AM, and in response the good people position their prayer rugs due Northeast.  While I do love this city, and I really believe it is the greatest in the world, I'm not convinced it is without its faults.  On a daily basis, I find myself simultaneously hating and loving New York; call me a James Joyce.  Below, I have assembled for you, my faithful reader(s) a "top ten" list of reasons not to live in New York City:

8-Minute Personal Ad Surfaces on YouTube: Single White Men Seeking Dominatrices

Hey Yo Woman,

I, am sorry.

I pledge to honor all women (wymyn?) everywhere, by accepting my role in atrocities and cruelties committed long before my birth.  I hold myself responsible for all actions that are not my own.  I recognize, that just as it is not in any way absurd for me to personally take credit for the inventions of logic, space travel, the English language, and peanut butter; so too, it is fully rational for me to apologize for every wrong perpetrated by any single male, because, hey, I'm one too.  I promise to speak in the creepiest way imaginable about lovemaking ("mutual body worship"), and your body parts ("sacred parfumeur").  I pledge to superficially take a stand against things that are obviously wrong, so that you know I'm serious about the rest of the stuff I just said.  Together, we can make miracles.  Miracles.  Miracles.  Miracles.

Happy Mother's Day

La Mujer Barbuda by José de Ribera, 1631.

Arbiter Elegantiarum: 1

Time Magazine: 0

Bread + Circus 4Ever

Berlusconi and Kirchner are parts of the same whole: Berluskirchner.

Silvio Berlusconi, former Prime Minister of Italy, and Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, incumbent President of Argentina, are both making news lately, but not for any of the reasons I want them to be.

The Misadventures of Christian Louboutin: Luxury's Stolen Sole

 Christian Louboutin, A.K.A. Ben Bernankgay.

Last year, Christian Louboutin, lady-shoemaker to everyone willing to pay 600 dollars and up for a pair of high heels, decided to sue upscale fashion label Yves Saint Laurent (YSL) for producing shoes that allegedly infringed upon his "trademark" on the color red.  In his complaint, Louboutin states that he "is the first fashion designer to develop the idea of having red soles on women's shoes." (Emphases mine).  The ratio of words qualifying his accomplishment to those actually stating it indicate that what he has created isn't all that original, but nonetheless his shoes are most easily identified by their signature red outsoles, also known as the Red Sole Mark, as seen below:

Carly Rae Jepsen, Illuminata

Carly Rae Jepsen showing off her Illuminati tatt.

Canadian songstress Carly Rae Jepsen, whose single I did NOT purchase less than 36 hours after first hearing it, is a high-ranking member of the Illuminati.  Her hit single "Call Me Maybe," while seemingly about innocent flirtation, actually chronicles her induction into the Illuminati by way of selling her soul to Lucifer.

Let's take a look at the lyrics stanza by stanza:

The Death of: Taste - Rebarbarization and The Rise of Moscato

 Destruction from The Course of the Empire by Thomas Cole, 1836.

Welcome to my second installment of "The Death of" Series!  Today I intend to prove that taste is dead.  I was prompted to do so after reading the following passage from Albert Jay Nock's 1942 Memoirs of a Superfluous Man :

"Whether by some means or another, I was somehow prepared to see, as when I was still quite young I did see, that in our society the purview of legal, religious and ethical sanctions were monstrously over-extended.  They had usurped control over an area of conduct much larger than right reason would assign them.  On the other hand, I saw that the area of conduct properly answerable to the sanctions of taste and manners was correspondingly attenuated."

I very much agreed with this, and was struck by the thought that, if in his time he felt taste was undernourished, then surely by our present time it must have succumb to starvation.  I will, in the usual fashion, further this idea by presenting actual cultural episodes, and providing brief analyses to show that such episodes are incongruous with a world in which taste could exist.

Warm Weather Wines

Al Roker is a vision of estival joy.

 

Here in New York, we've been gifted an exceptionally beautiful Spring.  America's most sartorially literate weatherman is predicting sunny temperatures in the high 60s and 70s for this weekend and the weather shows no signs of changing.  Hopes are high for a long and pleasant season, fair-weather revolutionaries notwithstanding.  When temperatures are this mild for this long, my thoughts invariably turn towards leisurely afternoons spent in the company of good people and good wine.  Below is a list of ten of my favorite wines, in no particular order, to serve with a slight chill and enjoy outdoors.  My apologies in advance for all the bullshit wine jargon I'm about to subject you to.

Name:     Croteaux "Jolie"
Style:       Rosé
Varietal:  Cabernet Franc
Region:   North Fork of Long Island, New York, USA
Vintage:  2011
Price:      $25

This is currently my favorite rosé on the market; it has a complexity of fruit that is quite rare for a rosé, but where a tannic jolt on the finish might be expected from such fruit, there is instead crisp minerality.  Really unique and interesting.  I have not seen this in stores, but a trip out to Croteaux's tasting barn and beautiful garden on the North Fork is most certainly worthwhile.  My understanding from the owner is that there are already less than 100 cases available, so jump on it while you still can.
_____________________________________________________________

The Return of the Castrato: Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better

Andy-Sandberg-looking Italian actor portraying the title castrato of 1994 film, Farinelli.

This past season at the Met, I brought my very patient girlfriend to enjoy a Baroque opera pasticcio featuring the music of Handel, Vivaldi and others titled The Enchanted Island.  The most exciting part about this - for me, at least - was the return to the Metropolitan Opera stage of countertenors, or, gentlemen who sing like ladies.

 South Carolinian countertenor David Daniels as Prospero in The Enchanted Island.

The Death of: Dignity

This man is the most obvious choice for the personification of dignity.

Welcome to "The Death of" Series here at Arbiter Elegantiarum!  In this series, we - and by we, I mean I - intend to prove that the concept in question simply cannot exist in a time during which the accompanying stories could occur.

Today I have learned that the President of the United States has agreed to appear in a potential film sequel to the HBO series Entourage.  I feel a more apt selection would have been Il Cavaliere, (of the "bunga bunga" fame) but alas, these decisions are not mine to make.  There is, nonetheless, something disappointing about witnessing the pursuit of celebrity over that of respectability by a sitting president.  I would open the umbrella of  "pursuit of celebrity" to include appearing in a bizarre annual segment named after you in which you explain your NCAA picks; selling campaign tchotchkes created by twenty-three different fashion designers; and, keeping a wish list of "surrogates" for the upcoming election that reads more like an Oscar party guest list.  It would be unfair of me not to consider, however, the role that the American palate's turn towards such cloying tastes has played in these decisions.