"Ugly" And Other Things You Can't Say In Ten Years

Notoriously ugly painter, Odd Nerdrum, in one of his many ugly self portraits, in his breathtakingly ugly figurative style.
(Note: my favorite self portrait of Mr. Nerdrum is not even safe for thinking about at work.)

Last week, the fine people at New York Magazine brought a critical issue to the forefront. Surprisingly, it had nothing to do with the sexual habits of Sarah Palin's children, nor even the last outfit Michelle Obama wore to that function that made her simultaneously down-to-earth and glamorous. No, it was the heretofore unseen sufferings of... The Homely:



Do The Homely Need Legal Protection Against Discrimination?

The article, based on the findings of labor economist Daniel S. Hamermesh, seems to support the idea that ugly people need legal protection, and will eventually receive the same kinds of protections as Americans with disabilities. I'm not sure if the ugly or the handicapped should be more upset by this notion.

Here is my portrait of an exciting future should this all play out the way Mr. Hamermesh predicts:

• The cause of the homely is taken up by an ambitious small-town-lawyer-cum-congressman with great hair. He makes his name by first pushing for public school policies in his district to enfranchise homely children with such initiatives as "Annual Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover Day", complete with a dramatic reading of The Ugly Duckling during morning announcements.
• Our small-town congressman becomes a national champion for the rights of the ugly and is eventually successful in passing the above-postulated legislation.
• The "aesthetically undervalued", as they are now legally referred to, are met with an incredible bevy of new entitlements, including but not limited to: subsidized dental care; subsidized gym memberships with tax-deductible training expenses; workplace protection against "leerers and jeerers"; hate speech protections against words like "ugly" and "homely"; a lifetime pass to President James "Moonface" Buchanan's Wheatland, Pennsylvania estate; and finally, specially designated mirrorless bathrooms with this "S" on the door rather than the standard "M" or "F".

The only foreseeable legacy I can take away from such legislation actually being enacted is a new qualifier for the the super-ugly: "disablingly ugly".