Joe Lhota Apparently Running for Mayor of New York City

Truth.  Justice.  Lasagna.

     Joe Lhota is running for Mayor of New York City, though it seems he does not care much for campaigning.  The latest polls show Lhota down by an insuperable margin of nearly 40 points.  There is less than one week left until the election, and since Joe Lhota only has one ad, I have taken it upon myself to establish a Political Action Committee called "Getta Lhota This."  I am releasing the following campaign ads in expectation of riding Lhota into Gracie Mansion.

Jeans: A Polemic

 Larry King Is a Walking Public Service Ad for the Pitfalls of Denim.

     "There are only two actions I cannot tolerate.  The first is denim.  The other is murder.  If denim is not wrong, nothing is wrong."
- Sebastian Horsley

     I do not wear denim.  I do not wear jeans.  This is offensive to many of the people I know.  When asked when I will start wearing jeans, my facial expression generally provides the answer:  I will not.  Like vegetarians, I am then asked to justify my decision to abstain from jeans.  I don't really have an answer beyond "I don't like them."  This answer is rarely sufficient as it generally prompts a denim-themed homily.   To avoid such sermons, my answers have become increasingly creative.  For example, when I see the inquirer is wearing "selvedge denim" or "raw denim" with the cuffs rolled up, I will generally make something up about how the indigo dye is made from otters' blood, or how entire rainforests have to be torched to make room for industrial otter blood farms.  Here, then, once and for all, I present my full answer to why I do not wear jeans. 

Rest in Peacock

Mrs. Peacock (Eileen Brennan) being "allayed" of her anxieties by Mr. Green (Michael McKean) in the 1985 comedy "Clue."

Eileen Brennan, who played Mrs. Peacock in the movie "Clue" has died at the age of 80.

I don't have much to say, other than to encourage everyone to watch the movie "Clue" and see how hilarious her character is, and for that matter how great the rest of the characters are, too.

Also, this is totally disconnected and fairly mean, but, Colleen Camp - who played Yvette the Maid - ferociously proves the ephemeral nature of beauty.

I Really Didn't Want to Write About George Zimmerman

Apologies for writing two "serious" posts in a row here - I promise I'll write about how I believe Yoko Ono was sent to Earth to rob humanity of all sexual desire or something soon - but I guess it's been a contentious summer.

Anyway, in what appears to be an attempt to push the envelope with brave, heterodox analysis, Time Magazine published an article asserting that the silver lining in the ostensible cloud of George Zimmerman's acquittal is the increasing number of white people recognizing their privilege.  As a graduate of a "highly-selective" undergraduate institution, I am intimately acquainted with the concept of  white devil privilege.  I enjoyed dozens of lectures and training sessions on the subject, and two of the four convocation speakers during my time in undergraduate based their entire speeches on it.  I would contend however that - far from privilege - it was Zimmerman's very "whiteness" that led to the unreasoningly hostile response from those whose appeals for "justice" make Veruca Salt look measured.

Y'all Got A License for That Thar' Marriage?

Lieutenant Arcot Ramathron wants to know.  Right meow.

           Hi there!  I return to my blog after a nearly 10-month absence to shit on everyone's misleading-headline-fueled parade.

          Yesterday, the U.S. Supreme Court issued dual opinions dealing with how the federal government regulates marriage.  If you are among the majority of Americans who get their news from social media and/or the major networks, you probably could not be blamed for thinking the Court pronounced gay marriage a national virtue and injunctively ordered Congress to declare war on the Vatican.  Naturally, the text of both opinions is far more nuanced than that.  Here, read:

Arbiter Elegantiarum Turns Two!

Terrible two-year old.

Arbiter Elegantiarum's two year anniversary has come and gone, and like the deadbeat blog pappy that I am, I only noticed over half a month later.  This year saw many great successes in the blog; partiularly the Carly Rae Jepsen piece, which has just under 4,000 views as of this writing.  To provide context, this represents a 100% increase over normal readership.  My thanks to the conspiracy theory community for actively clicking on anything containing the word "Illuminati" or derivatives thereof. 

Michael Bloomberg Is Actually Your Crazy Girlfriend

 Artist's rendering of what Michael Bloomberg might look like as your crazy girlfriend.

Michael Bloomberg's general behavior as mayor of New York City has approximated that of a crazy girlfriend.  It all started when you tried to break up with her for spying on you.  You tried to explain that it just wasn't working out, and that two terms was a really good run, but that was just going to have to be it.  She insisted you stay together because of the bad economy, and you reluctantly agreed, thinking that it would be a bad time to go it alone.

Big mistake.