Men of the World Demand Equivalent to Fascinator; Mexico Answers

The Royal Wedding has come and gone, and while it was more or less inconsequential to the men of the world, it has introduced the word "fascinator" into the global lexicon. A fascinator can be defined as a sarcastically small hat, generally garnished with plumage of sorts. It is known to be almost always unflattering unless you are a beautiful Englishwoman of means or a dog.



Nonetheless, the fascinator has left the men of the world envious, and almost desperate for an impossible-to-pull-off accessory all their own. Innovative and business-friendly Mexico has answered the clarion call with the above-pictured. Here we can observe the game-changing accessory in its natural habitat: adorning a young Mexican man whose being exudes vaquero swagger, with a touch of rakish nonchalance. No, I speak not of the belt buckle, the deliberately tilted hat, or even the eyebrow ring, but the pair of what Associated Press journalists have awkwardly dubbed "mutant pointy boots."

There are obvious flaws in the Associated Press's moniker for the apparently nameless boots, so I have taken it upon myself to re-dub them "Penetrators." I find this to be the most appropriate name for the following reasons:

1) "Mutant pointy boots" just isn't going to move product; it's too descriptive and not evocative of any particular lifestyle. How many "cardigans" would be sold if they were called "dumpy old man vests with sleeves" instead of having been named for English nobility? Clearly none. "Penetrators" is concise-- it evokes youth, virility and accomplishment.

2) The parallels between the boots and the male anatomy, while subtle, become more apparent upon further study. This is especially true as you peel away the layers of glitter.
(Note: Exceptions may occur within the gay community.)

3) The goal of the aptly-named fascinator has been to fascinate and enchant those who behold it. The goal of the penetrators, as told by the face of the young man in the above picture, is to have sex with your girlfriend.

The penetrators are the rightful heirs to the long-abdicated throne once occupied by the poulaine. Updated and democratized for the 21st Century, the penetrators are sure to enjoy a handsome reign in the fashion world. Keep an eye out for these avant-garde pieces in your favorite designers' upcoming men's 2011/12 winter collections.