Y'all Got A License for That Thar' Marriage?

Lieutenant Arcot Ramathron wants to know.  Right meow.

           Hi there!  I return to my blog after a nearly 10-month absence to shit on everyone's misleading-headline-fueled parade.

          Yesterday, the U.S. Supreme Court issued dual opinions dealing with how the federal government regulates marriage.  If you are among the majority of Americans who get their news from social media and/or the major networks, you probably could not be blamed for thinking the Court pronounced gay marriage a national virtue and injunctively ordered Congress to declare war on the Vatican.  Naturally, the text of both opinions is far more nuanced than that.  Here, read:

Arbiter Elegantiarum Turns Two!

Terrible two-year old.

Arbiter Elegantiarum's two year anniversary has come and gone, and like the deadbeat blog pappy that I am, I only noticed over half a month later.  This year saw many great successes in the blog; partiularly the Carly Rae Jepsen piece, which has just under 4,000 views as of this writing.  To provide context, this represents a 100% increase over normal readership.  My thanks to the conspiracy theory community for actively clicking on anything containing the word "Illuminati" or derivatives thereof. 

Michael Bloomberg Is Actually Your Crazy Girlfriend

 Artist's rendering of what Michael Bloomberg might look like as your crazy girlfriend.

Michael Bloomberg's general behavior as mayor of New York City has approximated that of a crazy girlfriend.  It all started when you tried to break up with her for spying on you.  You tried to explain that it just wasn't working out, and that two terms was a really good run, but that was just going to have to be it.  She insisted you stay together because of the bad economy, and you reluctantly agreed, thinking that it would be a bad time to go it alone.

Big mistake.

On Foundlings and Changelings

The Foundling by Patricia Piccinini

The "baby box" has taken Europe by storm faster than the no!no!™ could have ever hoped to do.  As The Old Continent ambles down the road to serfdom, what better tool to accouter itself with than the baby box, or Babywiege?  The baby box, as pictured below, is a window-mounted air conditioning unit into which unwanted babies can be slipped for safe keeping.

Congress Heeds the Cry of the People: No More Seersucker Thursday

 Senators playing nice-a nice-a.

This year, the Senate has decided to discontinue Seersucker Thursday, citing political impropriety.  The ever-watchful populace sighed collectively in relief as they saw the profligacy of Washington melt away before their very eyes.  Seersucker Thursday, originally started in 1996 by former Mississippi Senator Trent Lott, was scheduled for the first Thursday of every summer.  The Senators would arrive to work in seersucker suits, take pictures, and do whatever it is exactly they are paid so generously to do.

Playing for Keeps: A Modest Proposal

Today marks the beginning of the EUFA European [Soccer] Championship Semifinals.  The eight advancing teams will now square off over the next four days for their shot at the Henri Delaunay Cup.  The New York Times is reporting on rumors that Arbiter Elegantiarum has officially endorsed the Italian National Team.  While we can neither confirm nor deny this, we are doing our best to maintain neutrality in our reporting on the Euro Championship.

This year's semifinal matches are as follows:

Ten Reasons Not to Live in New York City

One might be inclined to believe that in every small town across America, the minarets start blaring "New York, New York" at 5:00 AM, and in response the good people position their prayer rugs due Northeast.  While I do love this city, and I really believe it is the greatest in the world, I'm not convinced it is without its faults.  On a daily basis, I find myself simultaneously hating and loving New York; call me a James Joyce.  Below, I have assembled for you, my faithful reader(s) a "top ten" list of reasons not to live in New York City: